“ Unless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain who build it; unless the Lord guards the city, the watchman keeps awake in vain. It is vain for you to rise up early, to retire late, to eat the bread of painful labors; for He gives to His beloved even in his sleep.” Psalm 127:1-2
Have you ever tried to press forward or pull connections to make something happen? Have you ever done the “helicopter hover” over something (or someone) to make sure everything is done “just right”? Do the words “uncertain”, “flexible”, “open-ended” and “last minute” send an icy chill down your spine? Well put your planner, list, and label machine down, my fellow type-A friend. Set the 10-minute timer on your phone (lets go wild!—set it for 15!) and join me on a little journey with the Lord together. I think He’d like to talk to us about releasing control over to Him.
I confess that if there’s an opportunity to do something I’m nervous and/or excited about, my natural bent is to grab hold of that thing and run full force at it. If it’s a project or a task I feel uncomfortable with, I’ll get as many facts as possible, interview people with experience, and do endless research in effort to get “prepared”. If it’s a possible new opportunity, I’ll call, email, or do whatever I can do to meet with the decision maker to make them aware that I’m interested and secure my spot. In short: tie up every loose end, don’t leave anything hanging in the air, and pounce on it until its dead. The common thread here is my compulsion to control something in order to relieve my anxiety.
To move from general to specific, the Lord’s been dealing with my heart towards my future in Uganda. I’ve just finished three weeks of nursing training at a HIV/AIDS clinic in Collier County. It was a definable, practical, “looks good on paper” kind of assignment from God. It's easy for me to stand up and cheer at those kind of directions from Him. “Yes, Lord! I see how that puzzle piece could fit in. Glad to do it!”. It’s the kind of thing other people nod and smile and say “good plan” to when you explain it. Now it’s the start of a new week and I find myself with no obvious answers to the question “what’s next?”. As the Lord would have it, the Haiti medical trip that I anticipated going on next week isn’t going to come to fruition because not enough medical personnel signed up. The Lord certainly knows best.
So what does my calendar look like now? He’s given me responsibilities as a guardian ad litem (please pray as I go to court before the judge on behalf of my little guy this Thursday), in serving in Summit Church’s women’s ministry, and pursuing continuing nursing education (“Nutrition in the developing world” text book and Tuberculosis online course, here I come!). So really, when I think about it, the Lord has graciously given me a whole list of things to be faithful in; it’s just not what my human flesh wants (a plane ticket for a certain date and a mapped out itinerary). When I'm in my right mind and looking from His perspective, this is a sweet season in so many respects. The verse He’s pressed on my heart for this new chapter of my life is this:
“In repentance and rest you will be saved, in quietness and trust is your strength.” Isaiah 30:15
“Repentance”- Agree with God that my lust to be in control and look “wise” is from the pit of hell. Maybe that sounds harsh to you, but this obsession to know my future and be lord (lady?) over it only puts me in chains. It’s God’s mercy that He doesn’t show me the entire plan at once. As the author Stormy Omartian puts it: “Just enough light for the step I’m on.”
“Rest”- Rest from trying to “make things happen” on my own and attempts to manipulate my circumstances. I want to “rise up early, to retire late, to eat the bread of painful labors” (Psalm 127:2). He calmly says “I’ll give it to you while you ‘sleep’ in my will and in my timing. I can say ‘Let there be’ and it will happen in an instant. Lay down your timetable, agenda, and plan. I’m driving this bus.” No wise parent would give their toddler a driver’s license. God is infinitely wise and He keeps (lovingly) telling me to sit down in my car seat and let Him do the driving. I think I’ll just work on the coloring book He gave me.
“You will be saved”- Spared from needless anxiety, exhaustion, and frustration. Spared from the lie that my worth is in what I "produce". My worth is in Christ and Christ alone.
“Quietness”- Listen to His word, pray, keep my spiritual “eyes” open while I serve in the capacity He’s called me to, don’t try to explain myself to others in a way that makes sense practically. Living by faith always looks a little sketchy, vague, unprepared, and impractical. A dear friend recently reminded me, He doesn’t call you to do something for no reason. The dots will circumstantially connect somehow. Meanwhile, He's doing an internal work on my heart that is invaluable and has no shortcuts.
“Trust”- He created the earth I’m standing on (Genesis 1:1, John 1:1), holds EVERYTHING (my very cells, every atom in the universe!) together (Colossians 1:17), knit my body together in my mother’s womb (Psalm 139:15-16), has already written down every one of my days in His book (Psalm 139:16), and gave me peace with God by dying in my place on a cross (Romans 5:8-9). Yes, He’s trustworthy.
Lord, the journey to Uganda cannot be my idol and I confess it easily turns into that. Anything that consumes my focus and affections besides You IS an idol in my heart, no matter how “good” it looks. Why am I pressing You to make things happen according to some imaginary schedule I have in my head and heart? Thanks for understanding when I feel impatient and that Your timing seems awkwardly slow to me at times. My perspective is so limited and childish though, so I’m asking You for Your perspective. Please give me Your endurance to wait (peacefully and expectantly) and a heart to be fully present wherever You have me. I don’t want to miss the incredible ministry and equipping You’re doing in my NOW because I’m pining for THEN. I’m taking my seat in the back of the bus again, Lord. I’ll sit down, you just please keep driving.
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