“Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be.” Psalm 139:16
Hi, I’m Joy Wood and I’m a recovering control freak. Group gathered: “Hi, Joy. Welcome.” Seriously though, it has been a life long struggle with this sin. My God-given bent is towards planning, organization, and just all around loving order and structure. Maybe some of you can relate to the fact that these good gifts can easily turn into rigidity, fear of change, and a paralyzing fear of the unknown.
I guess it’s not a surprise then that the Lord always seems to lovingly nudge me out of my “happy box” (where it is always safe and comfortable!) and into His very real, often chaotic world. He put on my heart to share with you a little more about when I worked as an EMT/Paramedic. I don’t talk much about this chapter of my life, but God deserves the glory for all the ways He used it to teach me to trust His sovereignty.
For five years, for 24-48 hours at a time, I was stationed at a fire station, continuously on-call with no idea of what was going to happen next. I started out as a 19 year old EMT, basically responsible for driving my Paramedic partner just get to the location and then assisting them with the patient. My map-reading skills were shaky, so my number one goal was to get us out to the ambulance in time follow the fire truck! Joy: “Hey, guys! Wait for us!!” Ha! If I didn’t have a fire truck to follow, I would pray much, much harder.
When I became a Paramedic I was watched like a hawk for a year by a trainer (I love you, Henrietta!) and then put in charge of my own unit. As an EMT, I used to let my partner size up the situation and ask them: "What do you need?" Now I was the one with the partner who would assist me and asked me what I needed. Joy: “ ‘What do I need’?? Prayer! Lots of prayer!!” EMT Partner: “O-kayy…”
The area I was primarily responsible for was Golden Gate city, where something was always happening. Even when there wasn’t a call and I would try to get some sleep on duty, I used to lay awake in bed, waiting tensely for that really loud tone to sound in the ceiling and send us flying out the door into who knows what. I was absolutely terrified. I didn’t know what the next five minutes would bring and I felt solely responsible for knowing what to do, how to do it, and keeping everyone safe that was there. I either had to start to give God control or go crazy with fear.
I began actively giving each hour into the Lord’s hand and telling Him “You know what’s next and You’re enough to handle it.” When we were responding to a call, I would tell Him: “Only You are in control over whether someone lives or dies. I’m not God, You are. Please just tell me what to do.”
In my experience paramedics that weren’t believers in Christ were generally superstitious. You would get in big trouble if you said something like “Wow…it sure has been a quiet day so far!” Certain people got a reputation for yucky-scary stuff following them wherever they were stationed in the county. I wasn’t one of those people in my early years. I see now He had a shield around me and I actually had many pretty pleasant shifts (helping the elderly off the floor and managing very typical illnesses). The tense situations and the trauma steadily increased, but only as I could handle it in Him. When it was especially critical, He always gave me people and resources to walk me through it every step of the way.
By the end of my career, He was managing what I considered to be “worse case scenarios” through me and I would stand in awe of His grace and provision. He also covered my mistakes and took great care of people when I made wrong choices. I began to learn that nothing would happen on duty (or any other day) except for what was filtered through His fingers of love, power, and wisdom. Hour by hour, I would practice resting in His sovereignty and giving Him back control; hour by hour He met me with His overwhelming faithfulness.
With the fog of fear slowly lifting each week, I was also able to more freely minister to hurting people. I’ll never forget the suicidal man who accepted Christ on the way to NCH, being able to weep with a couple over their little baby who died of SIDS, or holding and praying with the widow when her young husband passed away before our eyes. By the end of my five years, I was able to sleep soundly in my bunk in Golden Gate city. God gave me example after example that He is the supreme ruler over birth, death, and every moment in between.
So you would think with that spiritual training, I would be almost free from fear and control issues, right? I wish. The buffer before I start to fear has gotten larger, but I still get nervous and I think I will always have to actively fight for my heart to have peace in the Lord’s control. I often begin to pray line by line through John 1:1-3 (out loud if I can), claiming God’s truth until the knot in my stomach begins to loosen.
“In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God. All things came into being through Him, and apart from Him nothing came into being that has come into being.” John 1:1-3
My prayers in the face of the unknown and frightening often go something like this:
“In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God.” Lord Jesus, You saw all of creation stretched out before You when You made all things. You not only saw what was present that day, You saw EVERY day. All I have to do now is to walk through what You’ve prepared with You by my side. I trust You that You see my future as already finished and I’m only responsible to fit in with Your very good plan.
“ All things came into being through Him, and apart from Him nothing came into being that has come into being.” All of creation came through You. That means that all things that touch me have to come through You first, Lord. You’re my shield! You have to give Your nod of approval before anything touches me. When it comes to suffering, You’ve drawn a boundary line around me and have said “Only this far.” (Job 1:12) I choose to trust Your hands and Your choices, Lord. You are worthy of my trust!
He is our Peace and He is in control. Have a blessed and Christ-filled Christmas! -Joy
“The Word became flesh and made His dwelling among us…” John 1:14
