THE CONVERSATION

“The sorrows of those who have bartered for another god will be multiplied…” Psalm 16:4

My time with the Lord yesterday morning began with Him bringing this verse to my mind.  I turned to it in my Bible, wrote it down in my journal, and paused with the slightly nervous thought of “Well that’s an interesting verse for Him to bring up.  What does that mean?” The inner me knew quite well what He wanted to discuss, I was just hoping He had something else in mind. Idolatry (valuing anything or anyone above Him) is something He's been pulling out of my heart in big chunks this year.

The word “bartered” caught my eye and I looked up the definition. Merriam-Webster’s defines barter as: “to trade by exchanging one commodity for another.” It was also noted that bartering was a common practice between strangers and enemies, due to the fact that they felt they were more in control of what they received back. The inner me was definitely saying “Uh-oh” at this point.

The following are actual excerpts from my journal yesterday morning. I never thought the Lord would want me to share something so intimate as my inner conversation with Him, but He does today. I often write down thoughts or questions (or rants!) for God in my journal, and then wait for Him to respond. I then write down word-for-word what I hear Him say back to me, which helps me to keep His instructions and encouragement fresh in my mind. This conversation style with the Lord may seem a little odd, but it’s one of the ways He and I have communicated over the years. I don’t hear God speak to me audibly (though He could if He wanted to), but I do clearly hear His voice in my heart and mind. The more time I spend with Him, the more readily I recognize His voice (John 10:27). My prayer is that you’ll be encouraged about how absolutely practical the Lord is and how faithful He is to meet with us when we make time with Him our priority. Listening is a discipline and I'm being trained in that area every single day. My words are in italics, and the Lord’s responses are in bold.

How have I bartered, God?

“By trading Me for another god. ‘Self-love’ is her name. She provides you with an alternate source of value and worth. You spend much time serving her and wondering whether she is pleased or not.”

Wow, Lord. I am so deceived! What does this look like in my life? Please reveal my sin in practice.

“How much time do you spend worrying about appearance?”

Oh Lord, way too much. Counting every calorie, fearing weight gain when I can’t exercise, fussing over clothes, hair, and make-up. Catching a glimpse in a mirror (or any reflective surface-the microwave!) and asking myself ‘Am I beautiful?’ or “Am I beautiful enough?’. Finding my value and worth in how I look. Oh Lord, it’s wretched! Please help my sinful heart!

“ ‘You are altogether beautiful, My darling, and there is no blemish in you.’ (Song of Solomon  4:7) And ‘I am my Beloved’s, and His desire is for me.’ (Song of Solomon 7:10) Remember these when you’re struggling.”

What else, Lord? How else do I serve ‘Self-Love’ or any other gods?

“How much time do you spend worrying about what other people think of you?”

Lord, I think that’s almost constant. It’s like a continual thread in my self-talk and in every human relationship. Whether it’s a close relationship or someone I just meet in passing. I’m always wondering (fearfully or pridefully), ‘Does he think I’m pretty?’, ‘Does she think I’m spiritual?’, or ‘Does she think I’m a good enough friend?’. Oh Lord, again I bring before You my sin. Please help! I don’t want to serve this god.

“ ‘For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God.’ (Colossians 3:3). This enables you to forget you. You are freed from that bondage! Does someones opinion of a dead man matter? No! Neither does anyone’s opinion of Joy. She’s dead and Christ now lives in her place. ‘I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me.’ (Galatians 2:20). I’ll honor you for remembering this when you think about you.”

It was a strong word from Him and I needed it. I wish you could hear how gentle His tone is even when He's rebuking me. He's a jealous Husband, and I'm so grateful for that. I’m not entirely sure what the Lord has in mind for you as you read that conversation, but I'm blessed to be able to be publicly honest about some of my struggles (it kills more pride). I would honestly MUCH rather keep this between just Him and me, but He knows best. Whatever He has in mind, may He be glorified! And may you be blessed.

On a much lighter note....  :)  I have to share this recipe for a "Protein Pancake with Sliced Bananas" with you. It's a modified version of a recipe out of Costco's new cookbook (yes, that's my favorite store). It's tasty, quick, very filling (kept me going for hours with no shaky sugar-low at 10:00am!), and can be easily changed up to your tastes. It's not super-sweet so you may want to add some fruit to the mixture or more honey.

                       Protein Pancake with Sliced Bananas

2/3 cup quick-cooking oats (I use plain)
2 Eggs (or 4 egg whites for cholesterol-free)
1/2 tsp vanilla extract
1-2 tsp honey
1 tsp cinnamon
1/4 tsp nutmeg
1/8 tsp ginger
pinch of salt

1 ripe banana, sliced
Extra honey for drizzling

Coat a skillet with oil spray and preheat over medium heat. Whip together all ingredients except the banana in a small bowl or pyrex mixing cup. Pour the mixture into the skillet and cook for about 1 1/2 minutes on each side, or until golden brown. Transfer pancake to a plate and add sliced bananas and drizzle with honey.  Tip: For a moister pancake, cover the skillet with a lid while the pancake is cooking. Nutritional information: 27g protein, 6g fiber.

Ideas:
Mix into the batter about 1/4 cup thawed frozen blueberries, 1/4 cup plain canned pumpkin, or 1/4 cup mashed banana. (I'm even contemplating how to incorporate peanut butter...  :-) ).
Substitute the drizzling honey with agave or pure maple syrup.
Make the batter the day before and have it ready in the fridge to pour.

ALTARS

“Then Job answered the Lord and said, ‘I know that You can do all things, and that no purpose of Yours can be thwarted.’ “ Job 42:1

 “God is not a man that He should lie, nor a son of man that He should repent; has He said, and will He not do it? Or has He spoken, and will He not make it good?” Numbers 23:19

 “For as many as are the promises of God, in Him they are yes; therefore also through Him is our Amen to the glory of God through us. Now He who establishes us with you in Christ and anointed us is God, who also sealed us and gave us the Spirit in our hearts as a pledge.”              2 Corinthians 1:20-22

I woke up one morning recently and felt discouragement wrapped around me like a thick black garment. My faith seemed to be choking underneath it. There wasn’t any big disappointment or obvious trial in my life; I was just struggling with the seeming quietness of God in my circumstances. Just like Peter, James, and John in Luke 9:28-43, the Lord  had shown me and promised me amazing things on the mountain top, and now I was wrestling to believe that they were true (in the demon-possessed valley!). The stillness and darkness challenged my faith and Satan was whispering in my ear like he did to Eve: “Has God said…?” (Genesis 3:1).  As I was sitting on my bed, I cried outloud to Jesus, "Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief!" (Mark 9:24). I sat there for a little while, listening for Him to speak something to me, and heard the Lord clearly say to my heart “Come run with Me.” I quickly put my running shoes on and headed out the door into my neighborhood. As I began the run, I got the impression that I should start to intentionally recall to my mind all the times He had come through for me when I just put one foot in front of the other by faith. I needed to preach the truth to my own soul.

I thought about a 19 year old me that stepped out in faith (with my mom’s faithful prayer and encouragement) to become an Emergency Medical Technician. Teenage me knew it was from the Lord the minute I heard the job description (though it never occurred to me that driving a huge ambulance would be required and driving terrified me. Also, I was even more directionally challenged than I am now and didn’t realize I should be able to read maps as well. Ha!).  I went through the entire program and found out I didn’t have the correct CPR card to be able to test for state certification. I called everywhere and but no one had CPR classes going because it was the week of Christmas. I prayed, my parents prayed, and eventually an instructor had pity on me and gave me a one-on-one class! With my new CPR card in hand, I sent in my application to the state to schedule my test. Weeks later, the testing agency called me to tell me there wasn't a slot left for me since I hadn't been able to send it in my application immediately. They put me on a waiting list and made it clear I shouldn’t get my hopes up. I prayed and kept studying for my test as if I was already scheduled, having a kernal of hope that God was in this somehow. A surprised-sounding lady called me back not many days later and said “You wouldn’t believe this, but someone broke their leg skiing and you can have their spot”. I tested and entered a whirlwind five-year EMS career that required a strong-foundation of “God led me to this” moments.

Fast-forward six years and I was a bride-to-be in full planning mode. I felt impressed from the very beginning that the Lord wanted our wedding reception at a certain venue, but you had to be members of that country club, or know someone who was.  Both of those were a big "N-O" for us so I kept looking everywhere else. A couple of months later it came down to the time when I was supposed to send out wedding invitations and I still had nothing settled for a reception. I wondered nervously what I would put down for reception address and prayed my little heart out. (There is nothing like wedding-planning to bring someone to their knees, right?). God spoke to me clearly in my time with Him that He wanted me to send out the wedding invitations by faith with the address of the venue that He wanted us at on it. Ugh. I wept face down on my floor and fought Him for awhile but He kept making it clear there weren't any other instructions He would give me. I eventually broke down in surrender and said to God: “I feel like a crazy woman! Okay! Whatever happens, I’ll follow You. Okay, I’ll do it.” With the invitations sent out, I began to plan with the coordinator at that venue though we never got to the part about reserving it (no member signature, no reservation!). I wondered what God would do with that, but just heard "Keep moving forward. I've got it." So I bought decorations at Michael's, picked items from their menu for our guests, and wondered if I was a lunatic. At the same time, my soon-to-be husband and I had been looking for months for a place to live and only found dead ends. It was the height of the housing boom and a very discouraging time to look for affordable housing of any kind. Even the sad little apartment with the railroad track running beside it was expensive. People would ask us when they saw us: “Where are you going to live?”  Avery and I would say: “We have no idea." Well-meaning people: "What's the plan?"  Us: "Only God knows!” Our family was getting nervous and so were we, but we both felt the Lord say “Wait. I’ve got it.”  Avery would tell me: "So we'll be 'fools for Christ'. Whatever happens we'll have obeyed Him."

Now it was only weeks away and we were still waiting with eyes wide open for both needs to be met. Avery and I would pray together about it (I would be sobbing the whole time. God bless that poor man!) and only hear from the Lord "Trust me". I remember one day leaving the Edison State College parking lot (where I was finishing up nursing school) when the coordinator at the country club called me on my cell phone. I nervously answered and she sounded a little frustrated with me. Coordinator: “Can you come today? We have really got to get these last details settled, Joy!” No kidding, I wearily thought. I drove straight to the venue, wondering what would happen when she got to the part about the member signature.  When I got there she told me that the dining room I had originally planned for was now booked because we were never able to officially reserve it. She then offered me a beautiful location downstairs that was partly outdoors and slightly more casual. It was lovelier than I could have imagined, less expensive, and she never mentioned the member signature. She had pity on the “crazy-last minute bride” (if she only knew the real five-year-planner me) and the deal was sealed that day. My phone rang again and it was the wife of a couple we knew asking if we would like to rent a condo they owned in a nice gated community in Estero. They had purchased it for her aging parents but now they couldn’t move in and it was just sitting vacant. It was immediately available, they would just want rent enough to cover their expenses, and they would like to give the first month free as a wedding gift. Avery and I toured it with them that week with dropped jaws, knowing we could never have afforded it on our own. We were absolutely awed how God met both of those needs, all wrapped up in a bow so quickly after an agonizing test of faith. We entered into a wonderful and painful three and half years of marriage that would require us to recall all of our “God led us here!” moments.

 In the Old Testament, when God revealed Himself to His people and spoke a special word to them, they often would take stones and make an altar to the Lord in that place. They offered a tangible sacrifice on it to show their faith, and they would look back on those stones to remember what God had done and said. As I looked back at those "altars" of faith that I shared (and many others besides them), I was amazed that I could ever disbelieve Him. The discouragement and unbelief I had been wrestling with looked ridiculous in light of His faithfulness to me. I was singing and praising Him and excited again to step out on His promises!

I'm sharing these stories with you today to point to our God and say: "He's an expert in leading weak people like me into faithfulness". There's no such thing as "perfect faith" in imperfect people and I'm flawed to the core. I stumbled alot, feared and doubted, and just kept giving it back to the Lord (many times in a day), saying "If I just trust You in this, no matter what it looks like at least You'll be honored." I've also learned that if God speaks a word to my heart about my circumstances, I need to humbly ask Him to give me a scripture to hold on. I want to be sure the voice I'm hearing lines up with His Word in the Bible and I know I'll need something to cling to when the doubts and attacks come. I'm often full of faith when I hear the Holy Spirit speak something to me, but when that moment begins to fade and I'm under the pressure of the waiting, I need to fight temptation like Jesus did. He fought off Satan's attacks by standing on God's written Word. "Jesus answered, 'it is written...' " Luke 4:4  In retrospect, His promises have always turned out different than I pictured when God first gave me the promise, but He was always true to His Word. He always did what He said He would. ALWAYS.


Are you struggling with any doubts about God's faithfulness today? We've all been there and will be there again. What “altars” can you look at in your past where you say “God did this for me when I stepped out on His word”? If you’re being challenged to obey Him in something and step out in faith, how has He met you in the past when you did that? 

“And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we saw His glory, glory as of the only begotten from the Father, full of grace and truth.”  John 1:14

Lord, Your Scripture and the specific promises you speak to our hearts are trustworthy because YOU are trustworthy. You ARE the Word of God! You will become more real to us and dwell among us in intimacy as we obey Your commands and believe Your promises. We will see Your glory in our circumstances in due time. Most importantly, You'll be glorified as we do that. Thank You for being full of grace and truth! You have abundant grace to hold us to Your side as we obey in faith, and will give us Your truth to correct and assure us when we start to veer. Help us to intentionally recall the "altars" of faith You've helped us lay up in our lives. Spur us on to trust You, wait on You, and keep obeying no matter what the cost. In Jesus Name, Amen.