Back Seat On The Bus

                                                       

                                                                            


“ Unless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain who build it; unless the Lord guards the city, the watchman keeps awake in vain. It is vain for you to rise up early, to retire late, to eat the bread of painful labors; for He gives to His beloved even in his sleep.”  Psalm 127:1-2

Have you ever tried to press forward or pull connections to make something happen? Have you ever done the “helicopter hover” over something (or someone) to make sure everything is done “just right”?  Do the words “uncertain”, “flexible”, “open-ended” and “last minute” send an icy chill down your spine?  Well put your planner, list, and label machine down, my fellow type-A friend. Set the 10-minute timer on your phone (lets go wild!—set it for 15!) and join me on a little journey with the Lord together. I think He’d like to talk to us about releasing control over to Him.

I confess that if there’s an opportunity to do something I’m nervous and/or excited about, my natural bent is to grab hold of that thing and run full force at it. If it’s a project or a task I feel uncomfortable with, I’ll get as many facts as possible, interview people with experience, and do endless research in effort to get “prepared”. If it’s a possible new opportunity, I’ll call, email, or do whatever I can do to meet with the decision maker to make them aware that I’m interested and secure my spot. In short: tie up every loose end, don’t leave anything hanging in the air, and pounce on it until its dead. The common thread here is my compulsion to control something in order to relieve my anxiety.

To move from general to specific, the Lord’s been dealing with my heart towards my future in Uganda. I’ve just finished three weeks of nursing training at a HIV/AIDS clinic in Collier County. It was a definable, practical, “looks good on paper” kind of assignment from God. It's easy for me to stand up and cheer at those kind of directions from Him. “Yes, Lord! I see how that puzzle piece could fit in. Glad to do it!”.  It’s the kind of thing other people nod and smile and say “good plan” to when you explain it. Now it’s the start of a new week and I find myself with no obvious answers to the question “what’s next?”. As the Lord would have it, the Haiti medical trip that I anticipated going on next week isn’t going to come to fruition because not enough medical personnel signed up. The Lord certainly knows best.

  So what does my calendar look like now? He’s given me responsibilities as a guardian ad litem (please pray as I go to court before the judge on behalf of my little guy this Thursday), in serving in Summit Church’s women’s ministry, and pursuing continuing nursing education (“Nutrition in the developing world” text book and Tuberculosis online course, here I come!). So really, when I think about it, the Lord has graciously given me a whole list of things to be faithful in; it’s just not what my human flesh wants (a plane ticket for a certain date and a mapped out itinerary). When I'm in my right mind and looking from His perspective, this is a sweet season in so many respects. The verse He’s pressed on my heart for this new chapter of my life is this:

“In repentance and rest you will be saved, in quietness and trust is your strength.” Isaiah 30:15

“Repentance”- Agree with God that my lust to be in control and look “wise” is from the pit of hell.  Maybe that sounds harsh to you, but this obsession to know my future and be lord (lady?) over it only puts me in chains. It’s God’s mercy that He doesn’t show me the entire plan at once. As the author Stormy Omartian puts it: “Just enough light for the step I’m on.”

“Rest”- Rest from trying to “make things happen” on my own and attempts to manipulate my circumstances. I want to “rise up early, to retire late, to eat the bread of painful labors” (Psalm 127:2). He calmly says “I’ll give it to you while you ‘sleep’ in my will and in my timing. I can say ‘Let there be’ and it will happen in an instant. Lay down your timetable, agenda, and plan. I’m driving this bus.” No wise parent would give their toddler a driver’s license. God is infinitely wise and He keeps (lovingly) telling me to sit down in my car seat and let Him do the driving.  I think I’ll just work on the coloring book He gave me.

 “You will be saved”- Spared from needless anxiety, exhaustion, and frustration. Spared from the lie that my worth is in what I "produce". My worth is in Christ and Christ alone.

“Quietness”- Listen to His word, pray, keep my spiritual “eyes” open while I serve in the capacity He’s called me to, don’t try to explain myself to others in a way that makes sense practically. Living by faith always looks a little sketchy, vague, unprepared, and impractical. A dear friend recently reminded me, He doesn’t call you to do something for no reason. The dots will circumstantially connect somehow. Meanwhile, He's doing an internal work on my heart that is invaluable and has no shortcuts.

“Trust”- He created the earth I’m standing on (Genesis 1:1, John 1:1), holds EVERYTHING (my very cells, every atom in the universe!) together (Colossians 1:17), knit my body together in my mother’s womb (Psalm 139:15-16), has already written down every one of my days in His book (Psalm 139:16), and gave me peace with God by dying in my place on a cross (Romans 5:8-9). Yes, He’s trustworthy.

Lord, the journey to Uganda cannot be my idol and I confess it easily turns into that. Anything that consumes my focus and affections besides You IS an idol in my heart, no matter how “good” it looks. Why am I pressing You to make things happen according to some imaginary schedule I have in my head and heart? Thanks for understanding when I feel impatient and that Your timing seems awkwardly slow to me at times. My perspective is so limited and childish though, so I’m asking You for Your perspective. Please give me Your endurance to wait (peacefully and expectantly) and a heart to be fully present wherever You have me. I don’t want to miss the incredible ministry and equipping You’re doing in my NOW because I’m pining for THEN. I’m taking my seat in the back of the bus again, Lord. I’ll sit down, you just please keep driving.

                                                              

Muddy Feet

 

 

My friend Elsy & I working in the clinic

 

 

 

Hopeful faces. Each examination room door in the HIV clinic opens up to find an individual with a hopeful, expectant face. A mixture of vulnerability, uncertainty, and anticipation seem to cross the face of each person I meet sitting inside these rooms. Each one is waiting to hear how their “CD4 count” is, an important cell marker for how they’re responding to their tailor-made triple drug cocktail. They have a virus that hijacks the very cells that are supposed to be a means of fighting sickness (the T4 “Helper” cells). It hides and replicates inside their “Helper” cells, deceiving the body into thinking it’s a healthy cell. As it hides, it replicates itself until it suddenly bursts the cell, spreading the infection.

When I walk in the exam room door and introduce myself, many seem to immediately ask the silent question “Will you judge me?” I pray they see the love and compassion of Jesus Christ in me. I pray they see that I’m not volunteering in the clinic just so I have valuable medical knowledge to bring with me to Uganda. After almost two weeks of volunteering, I think the Lord has me here primarily to learn about compassion. Each person is an irreplaceable, eternal soul that He died for.

At one point and time, each one of these men and women heard the news “You’re HIV positive” and began to wrestle with deep feelings of shame, anger, and rejection. The news likely brought dark thoughts of an early, incurable death. The doctor that works in this clinic tells me that their prognosis  is very good if they take their medications without stopping. If a patient stops their medication or the disease becomes resistant to the medications available, their low resistance to other types of infection (like pneumonia) will become deadly.

The blow of hearing they have "the virus" goes far deeper than a physical issue however.  One gentleman very readily opened up to me about what he was experiencing emotionally. He shared how his biological family rejects him. He moved in to cared for his mother until she died, but is now isolated from his other family members. He says it’s to the point that he’s made alternate plans regarding who he’ll live near when he becomes older and has poor health. He told me he has a few friends here in Florida that he’s made his new family and would do anything to stay near them. “I’ve put some money aside and I’ve begged them not to leave me in the care of anyone else.” My heart breaks for the lies he’s believed, the choices he’s made, and the way he’s being treated. My Savior’s heart breaks for him and loves him more than he can imagine. I pray he meets Him and finds the love and acceptance he longs for.

This week I’ve been wrestling in a deep way with my own humanly incurable infection, called sin. It’s been in hiding in my heart, looking like a “Helper” cell, but my Great Physician, Jesus Christ isn’t fooled. Experienced with my sin, He knows just how to reveal its true nature to me. He often uses a technique called “the pressure of life circumstances” to strip away the healthy-looking outer facade. I’ve been horrified at the darkness that has come oozing out of every crevice in my heart as He’s applied this pressure. I think Isaiah 58:9 reveals a good description of my sin "symptoms". Verses 10-11 are a promise I'm willing to do anything to experience.

 

“..If you remove the yoke from your midst, the pointing of the finger and speaking wickedness, and if you give yourself to the hungry and satisfy the desire of the afflicted, then your light will rise in the darkness and your gloom will become like midday. And the Lord will continually guide you, and satisfy your desire in scorched places, and give strength to your bones; and you will be like a watered garden, and like a spring of water whose waters do not fail. “ Isaiah 58:9b-11

 “if you remove the yoke.."  The yoke of my selfish and unrealistic expectations on people. Placing things on others that the Lord Himself doesn’t even have for them. And even if He does, who am I to try and hold them to the fire (even just mentally) for it? The Lord has gently but firmly pointed out that failing to please Joy Wood isn’t a sin. Ouch. And even when there's a sin committed against me, my number one job is to hand it over in prayer.

“..the pointing of the finger and speaking wickedness”.  Not outwardly speaking wickedness; no, no much sneakier. More like a silent self-talk and catty mental dialogue (sometimes with the person in my imagination. Ridiculous!). Often it's me playing a blame-game for what I'm struggling with (which isn't usually the person's fault anyway). When my focus is off like this, the  Lord says "What is that to you? You follow Me!". (John 21:22)  Yes, Lord.

I’ve spent the last few days repenting as the Lord has squeezed my heart and shown me evidence of this sin-infection. Thank You, Jesus, for John 13:10,12 when I feel like I'm just too dirty this time to be accepted and loved.

"Jesus said to him, 'he who has bathed needs only to wash his feet, but is completely clean; you are clean, but not all of you. [..] So when He had washed their feet, and taken His garments and reclined at the table again, He said to them, 'Do you know what I have done to you?' " 

Do I know what He’s done for me? If I do, I’ll walk away humbled, cleansed, and not condemned. He’s called me “completely clean” because I’ve accepted His sacrifice on my behalf. I bathed in His forever-forgiveness the moment I said "Here's my life, Jesus" and He’s been clean enough for the both of us ever since. He'll never reject me. He says about the sin He's been revealing in me: "I knew about it already; I'm not shocked or surprised. Just give it to Me and let me do away with it."  Thank You, Lord. Here I am. I give You my muddy feet.